The New Recruit Blues
by SlaveofStrife
Summary: When Cloud fails to turn up and play the hero in Wutai, Reno, Rude and Elena are forced to rescue someone they don’t particularly want to rescue. Before you can say “Turk Torture”, they’ve gained themselves a brand new member. Called Yuffie. Oh, dear.
1. How the Blues Began

**Disclaimer:****Don't own nuffink! 'Specially not FFVII and it's wonderful, wonderful array of characters.**

**And now, a bit of an Intro…**

**Cast your minds back to that HIGHLY ANNOYING Wutai subquest, readers! (anyone else get their ass handed to them by Corneo's freaking pet? No? Just me, was it?...Right. OK, shut up. I was only 11 at the time!) **

**What would happen if – for some obscure reason – Cloud and company DIDN'T turn up to save Yuffie from certain doom up on Da Chao? ****Well, for one: Yuffie wouldn't be too happy. Two: someone else would have to rescue her. That someone may very well happen to be the Turks. Possibly.**

**So let's assume they save her from one of two potentially sticky situations: either falling to her death, or becoming Fat Don's new honey-bunny. Euch.**

…**Surely that's the end of it, right?**

_**Wrong.**_

**Reno, Rude, Tseng and Elena are about to get a dose of the new recruit blues…

* * *

**

_**Chapter 1: **_**How the Blues Began**

The wind whipped Reno's blood red hair about his face as he stepped up to the crumbling ledge, glaring down at his latest victim with menace.

"All right, Corneo," he said coolly. "This'll be quick, so listen up. Why do you think we came all the way up here to get you? 1. Because we had nothing better to do, 2. Because we were sure we'd win or 3. Because we thought we might be able to sort all this out over a nice cup of tea?"

Normally in times of peril such as this, infamous slum pimp Don Corneo would calm himself by remembering the bed full of buxom blonde tarts waiting for him back at his Wall Market mansion. Now, hanging by his fingertips from the hand of a colossal statue 70ft above the ground, and staring – panic-stricken – up into the dangerous eyes of Reno of the Turks…he found it somewhat difficult to think of anything else but what a long, _long_ way down it was.

(A secondary thought flitting around his mind was that if he somehow _did _survive through this, he was almost certainly going to have to change his underpants.)

"Three…?" he whimpered breathlessly, one of his expensive designer label shoes slipping off. "Number Three?"

"Wrong," Reno whispered, lethally bringing the heel of his boot down onto Corneo's pudgy, bling-ridden fingers. The Wall Market tycoon howled in pain and terror as he knew he could hold on no longer. After a moment of desperate scrabbling during which he made a hopeless grab for Reno's leg, he finally slipped, and went plummeting to a very rocky doom.

Reno stepped back, satisfied.

"The correct answer WAS…" he said, as Corneo's screams died away.

"…because it's our job," Rude finished, strolling over.

"Well said, partner."

They turned to view the enormous carved face of Da Chao behind them, to which the (now) late Don Corneo's two female hostages were tied, strung up by their ankles.

Reno placed his hands on his hips and surveyed the situation.

"Another victory for the Turks," he stated, then after a moment or two in thought, added, "Think I looked appropriately bad-ass back there, Rude?"

Rude said nothing, but instead advanced towards Elena and set to work on freeing the blonde rookie from the ropes that bound her.

"Yep," Reno self-evaluated, despite Rude's complete lack of response. "I thought so, too."

"Oh, thankyou very much!" Elena cried, her face beet red from hanging upside down. "I never expected you to come for me…"

"Elena," said Reno tiredly. "Quit acting so weak. You're a Turk, aren't you?"

"Y-yes. I'm so sorry," she replied, trying her best to assume a professional air, despite her bizarre position.

The second of Corneo's hostages, however, was not quite so thankful for the way things had turned out.

"Well, JEEEEZ!" Yuffie Kisaragi exclaimed loudly from the other side of Da Chao's face. "Cloud might've turned up!"

"I'm guessing Spikey's got his hands full right now with those other two birds," said Reno loftily, recalling his brief encounter with Cloud earlier that day. "And anyway, didn't you steal some shit?"

Yuffie faltered. "Nrghh…ye-….n-……maybe!" she stuttered. "But I was gonna give it back when I'd finished, I swear! He didn't have to get all upset about it and _abandon _me!"

"Guess that should teach you not to bite the hand that feeds you then, eh?" said Reno, mysteriously.

"What do you mean by that?!"

"You've got time to figure it out while you hang around here and wait to be rescued."

Yuffie lapsed into upside-down, slack-jawed silence as she tried to comprehend why in the world she might have to "hang around and wait" to be rescued, while beside her, Elena was being helped down by Rude.

As the last of her ropes were loosened, the blonde Turk wrapped an arm awkwardly around Rude's neck and he lowered her to the ground, in a somewhat unorthodox manner.

"Thankyou," she said breathlessly, dizzily stumbling sideways a little.

Rude steadied her before she teetered too closely to the edge and met the same fate as Corneo.

"We done here?" he asked.

Reno gave a small nod.

Yuffie looked suddenly flabbergasted, as the three Turks made to leave.

"Wh - HEY! You can't just leave me hanging here!"

"We can, and we will, kid. You're not our concern."

Yuffie growled and struggled furiously against the ropes.

Elena however, just wasn't absorbing any of the career-minded logic her superior was dishing out.

"Reno…" she said, a sympathetic look creeping onto her (still flushed) face. "She's just a child."

Reno sighed.

"We're off duty, Elena. And even if we weren't…we're not getting any more involved with AVALANCHE than we need to."

"Hey who cares about that!" Yuffie shrieked. "I'm dizzy, get me doooooowwwwn!"

Elena chewed her lip, observing Yuffie sadly as if she were an insect struggling to free itself from a spider-web.

"But – but _surely – _given the circumstances – ?" she began, but was interrupted by a muffled electronic ring tone.

Reno withdrew his phone from his pocket. "The circumstances being that maybe she's been dealt some decent _karma_?" he suggested, before answering the call. "…Yes, this is Reno."

"Quit yer yappin, Turks! I've had enough of this!" Yuffie hollered in the background, going slightly cross-eyed from the blood rushing to her head. Reno held up a hand, signalling for her to "zip it" as he spoke.

"……Yeah…….yeah, of course……right."

Yuffie ogled at him incredulously, bristling at the way this casual phone call seemed to have sucked any remaining urgency out of the situation.

"We'll get onto it." Reno finished. He pressed a button and tucked the cell back inside his jacket.

"Was that the company?" asked Elena, now attempting to smooth down her windswept hair.

Reno nodded, turning to Rude. "They want us to find Cloud."

"…Are we on?" his bald partner asked.

"Fuck no, the only thing we're on is vacation. Cloud could be anywhere," Reno paused to throw Yuffie a meaningful glance, before adding nastily, "anywhere but _here, _huh?"

The little ninja looked momentarily hurt, but it was short-lived.

"If you let me down I can help you find him!" she suddenly blurted out.

"You don't even know," said Reno, bemused. "He left you."

"Yeah, well, I know where he was _headed_, and that's more info than you losers have right now, so hah!" she teased, but there was a trace of desperation in her voice. "I can tell you everything I know, I can tell you right now! Just cut these damn ropes already!"

"And why are you so quick to side with us?"

Yuffie paused. She seemed to be turning the question over in her mind. "Well," she began, quietly. "Maybe – maybe I'm just sick of being abandoned."

Her sombre tone took all three Turks by surprise. Her temper, oddly, had subsided, and her voice became no more than a whimper as she went on.

"I trusted him…I trusted ALL of them…yeah, I stole their materia, so what?…I did it for Wutai, for the greater good! And now look…after all I did for them, they've left me, hanging upside down, on top of a _mountain_– " (by this point, Yuffie sounded very nearly on the verge of tears, voice wavering with emotion) " – they've left me all alone, to fend for myself, which is just what everyone else has done to me throughout my entire, _miserable_ existence…"

She broke off. Her lip was trembling pathetically.

Elena turned sappy eyes on Reno and Rude, cocking her blonde head to one side.

"What harm could it do?" she asked, softly.

Reno looked to Rude, who shook his head and shrugged.

"Ahh – _hell_," said Reno eventually. Not so much moved by Yuffie's teary story of betrayal, but rather, not particularly wanting to have a sobbing teenage girl on his conscience, he turned to Rude and said, bitterly, _"Do it._"

Rude advanced towards Yuffie and reached upwards to tackle her ropes. Yuffie's expression brightened a little too suddenly, but no one noticed.

"You see?" said Elena to Reno, with a reassuring smile. "That wasn't so hard."

Reno chose to ignore her.

"You're going to cooperate with us, little girl," he called, as Rude loosened the bindings around Yuffie's ankles. "Here's how it's gonna happen: as soon as we get you down –"

However, how Reno thought it was "gonna" happen never actually eventuated. Now free of her bonds, Yuffie back-flipped off Da Chao's face with a ninja-like scream and landed between them. She took a moment to swiftly knee Rude in the groin, before sprinting off down the mountain side.

"Sunnuva…!" Rude croaked, doubling over.

"That's for taking your time, JERKS!" Yuffie yelled gleefully over her shoulder. "Later!"

"Hey!" Elena cried, baffled, still trying to deduce exactly what had just happened. "Hey, you get back here and you apologise!"

"…Kid's got some spunk," Reno noted. He turned to his partner, wincing. "You gonna be ok, Rude?"

Rude hobbled away to be alone with his agony for a moment or two.

"So ungrateful!" Elena cried shrilly, watching Yuffie haring off into the distance down towards Wutai. "She said she'd help us!"

"Yeah, well, whatever…at least she's out of our hair now," sighed Reno. "Strife owes us big time."

* * *

Little did the Turks know, Cloud Strife and company were at that very moment, trying to put as many miles between themselves and Wutai as possible.

After retrieving their stolen materia from Yuffie's empty house (who'd have guessed the password to her safe was "MATERIA"?), and having been unable to locate said thief anywhere, they had decided that perhaps the best course of action was to simply just "mosey on out of there", as Cloud had phrased it…much to Cid's annoyance.

"Do you think she'll be looking for us?" asked Tifa, conversationally, as the group trekked back over a rickety bridge towards the Tiny Bronco. "We didn't exactly say goodbye, did we?"

"_Goodbye_?" repeated Cloud. "Listen, Tifa – she was only after our materia from the beginning. She's a thief. Period."

"I don't know about that," Tifa replied, thoughtfully. "I think she was just a little lonely. She might not have shown it…but more than anything, I think she just wanted friends."

"…yeah, well…whatever," said Cloud, coldly. "At least she's out of our hair now. No doubt she'll find someone else to leech off."

"I pity the foo's who gonna end up with that brat trailin' after 'em!" roared Barret from behind them. "Nuthin' but a damn nuisance!"

Tifa smiled sadly.

"Well, I personally hope she finds someone to fit in with. Somewhere she feels like she belongs."

Cloud glowered.

"Fat chance of that. Anyone with common sense would want to get themselves away from that girl as quickly as possible."

* * *

**...Uh oh. Chapter 2 coming your way soon, guys! **


	2. One Persistent Ninja

_**Chapter 2:**_** One Persistent Ninja**

"How ya feelin', Rude?"

"…Bruised."

"Too much information."

The Turks had finally made their way down from Da Chao, and were making a beeline for Turtle's Paradise. Rescuing Elena from the perverted clutches of Don Corneo had taken a chunk out of their "pub time", but Reno and Rude figured there was plenty of time to catch up on that, and to recount just how badass they'd been in disposing of their colleague's kidnapper.

Elena herself didn't seem too bothered by what rightfully should have been quite a traumatising event. She was more upset about Yuffie's "rude" response to being rescued (demonstrating this by raving all the way back down the mountain side), but this soon turned to sympathy towards her bald co-worker.

"Do you want to see if we can get some ice from somewhere?" she asked, genuinely concerned by the way Rude had developed a distinct limp since Yuffie's bony knee had connected with his nether regions.

"Elena…" said Reno. "The man has suffered pain to a degree no woman could ever comprehend. Shoving a few ice cubes down his pants isn't going to do a lot of good."

"Well, excuse me!" Elena shot back. "I was just being considerate."

"…should've seen it coming," muttered Rude, hollowly.

"Damn right we should've, Rude," Reno agreed. "Outdone by a kid. It won't happen again, let me tell you."

"HEY-HEEEEEEEY, Turkeys!"

The Turks stopped abruptly outside the nearby Materia shop to see the kid in question – Yuffie – perched on the red railings of the bridge over the river just ahead of them. She was beaming proudly.

"The hell does she want?" Reno cursed under his breath, before raising his voice loud enough to enquire, "AVALANCHE run out on you, brat?"

"Yeah," Yuffie called back matter-of-factly, swinging her legs. "But that's ok – I was through with those jerks anyway."

Hoping this would be the end of the conversation, Reno, Rude and Elena continued on over the bridge, nonchalantly passing by Yuffie as if she wasn't there.

Yuffie, however, hopped down from the railings and started trailing after them.

"So I pretty much whipped your butts up there, huh?" she said, casually.

Reno rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we're all pretty beat up," he replied, sardonically.

"Bet you wish you'd had ME there when you took down Corneo. I could'a done it in half the time – BAM!"

Yuffie paused to strike a random martial arts inspired pose. Her face fell when she realised they hadn't stopped.

"Hey!" she cried. "Hey, wait up!"

The Turks had quickened their pace by now, much in the manner of somebody being pursued by an overly friendly stray dog. In this case, a Chihuahua. Or a ferret. On crack.

Elena tugged on Reno's jacket sleeve as they walked.

"She's still following us!" she whispered, anxiously.

"She'll get bored," Reno reassured her, striding onwards.

But Yuffie was sounding anything but bored.

"Wanna know how I see it?" she called, jogging along behind them.

"…No," said Rude, bluntly, but Yuffie carried on regardless.

"You guys need to know where Cloud is, but you're all totally clueless, right? On the other hand, I've got _all_ the insider info you could want."

"Yeah, well, last time you offered us 'insider info' you crippled my colleague here and ran off," Reno pointed out, then added, "So beat it."

The following continued until the Turks reached Turtle's Paradise, at which point Reno rounded on their tag-a-long with his most threatening look, reserved only for special occasions.

"Look," he said, eye twitching. "Don't you have some place else to be?"

Yuffie merely grinned and bounced annoyingly on the balls of her feet.

"Nah. Which is why I'm gonna tag along with you losers!"

A pregnant pause followed.

"You can't," said Rude, awkwardly.

"Whaddya mean I _'can't'_?"

"He means you can't just join the Turks like it's some postage stamp collecting society or something," Reno filled in. "You need extensive training."

"C'mon, don't gimme that!" Yuffie scoffed. "I've already got the skills!" She leapt up onto the railings to prove her point, balancing cleverly as she threw a few punches into mid-air.

"Miss Yuffie," Elena piped up politely, as Yuffie performed some kind of manic kung-fu kick and nearly lost her footing. "It takes a lot to get into the Turks. If you want to do it, you're just going to have to train reeeeal hard. Maybe when you're _older – _"

"Don't encourage her, Elena," said Reno, flatly. "I wouldn't care if she was 23 or 93…she's not coming with us."

There was a devious look creeping over Yuffie's features.

"What if just kinda…DO?"

"What?"

"Come with you."

"Over my dead body," laughed Reno coldly. "Look, we're through with you. Go play somewhere. You haven't got what it takes."

Yuffie swelled angrily. "I don't think you know who you're talking to!"

"Neither do you, kid," Rude replied, darkly.

Reno had had enough. He glared moodily up at Yuffie, who was still balancing on the rail, wobbling slightly.

"You keep going the way you're going, and you're gonna find out the hard way what happens when you get on our bad side." He advanced on her and lowered his voice. "Now. Get. Lost."

Instead of cowering in fear or bursting into tears at having her dreams crushed like Reno rather hoped she would, Yuffie instead responded rather inappropriately, by _giggling_. Giving her hair a quick ruffle, the teen leapt swiftly down from the railings and stood before the Turks without a trace of fear.

"Well, guess I'll be seein' ya!" she sang, boldly jabbing a finger into Reno's chest and flashing them all an especially cheesy grin, before bounding off behind the pub.

For not the first time that day, Reno, Rude and Elena were left feeling completely dumbfounded.

"What does she mean by that?" Elena demanded, eyes wildly scanning the area. "Where did she go?"

"Who cares," Reno muttered. "Come on. I'm over Wutai and all it's inhabitants. Let's get going."

* * *

AVALANCHE were back on the Nibelheim shores, and at this point, probably would have been feeling a little remorse about losing Yuffie, had they not been so focused on the creepier-than-usual behaviour of another party member.

"Cloud?"

"Huh?"

"…I'm a little worried about Cait Sith."

Tifa watched as the robotic cat's head swivelled abnormally and his eyes glowed red.

"F-zzzzt… ...bleep... …I'm siiiiiinging in the rain!"

There was no other way to put it: Cait Sith had malfunctioned, big time. The group couldn't pinpoint when precisely this had happened, but he'd been ranting nonsense since Wutai, and had even managed to weird Barret out – which was quite a big deal.

The cat jerked its neck like a grotesque ventriloquist's dummy and spoke in a crackly, broken voice.

"CHEESE – CHEESE – CHEESE – CHEESE – whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop – T-T-T-T-TAAAACO! Cheque please. Next stop, BRAAAAAAAINSVILLE!"

Most party members stepped away from Cait at this point. Cloud stayed rooted to the spot, staring at him with a mixed expression of fear and confusion.

"Hit him over the head!" Cid suggested, which didn't surprise anyone: Cid's solution to any technical cock-ups seemed to be to give whatever it was a damn good thwack.

"I would if his head would actually _stop spinning_," replied Tifa. She inched forward and placed calming hand on Cait's quivering shoulder, as if hoping to exorcise whatever demons had a hold of him. "Hello? Cait? Are you alright?"

Cait threw back his head and he announced to the group, openly: "Your lucky colour is…SATAAAAN'S NIPPLESSSSS! Beep."

"Shi-!" Barret shouted. "I ain't bein in no party with tha' cracka foo'! Yo Cloud, what we gon' do?"

"Something happened to him in Wutai," Cloud muttered to himself. "I'm sure of it. He hasn't been right since we left."

"Beep."

"Well," said Cid, lighting a cigarette. "Sounds pretty screwed to me. Vincent – get yer gun, put the damn thing out of its misery."

"Oh, don't!" cried Tifa, as Vincent reached for his Peacemaker. "Look, maybe he'll come good? He probably just got some water in his circuits from being on the Tiny Bronco. He'll be fine."

"I'll EAT your PEANUTS!" Cait threatened. "Woo-POW! Quack."

"On second thoughts," said Tifa, worriedly backing up. "Keep it handy, Vincent."

* * *

Two brief encounters with Yuffie were enough for the Turks; she'd "tainted the holiday experience", according to Reno, and so they decided that perhaps it was best if they began the trip back to Midgar. After all, Corneo had been "taken care of", Cloud was very clearly no longer in the area, and therefore it wouldn't be long before Tseng issued new orders, no doubt Sephiroth themed.

Elena had piloted the chopper back to Midgar, which was – as always – a white-knuckled experience. Being rushed in as a replacement while Reno was injured meant Elena had conveniently managed to miss a large section of her piloting training. Therefore every journey either Reno or Rude took with the rookie in control not only meant compulsory displaying of gaudy yellow "Learner" plates on the chopper windscreen, but also signalled a death-defying, roller-coaster of turbulence, heightened tempers, and moments of absolute panic during which Elena would mistakenly select the "Self Destruct" mechanism over the windscreen wipers.

It was with great relief and a good deal of surprise that the Turks landed in one piece back at Shinra Headquarters, in Midgar.

"Well, that seemed to go quite smoothly!" Elena summarised, removing her headset and flipping a few switches on her control panel, the chopper blades overhead slowly whirring to a stop. For someone who was notoriously anal about grammar, filing, granules of artificial sweetener in a cup of tea, and general perfection in all other areas of being a Turk, Elena was blissfully ignorant of her somewhat average piloting skills.

"Yeah, 'seemed to' being the key phrase there," replied Reno, looking a little pale as he gratefully stepped out onto the helipad. "Apart from the bit where we played tag with the Nibel Mountains, I'd say it was one of your better runs. Interesting detour there, by the way. Can't give you any extra points though, on account of us nearly _dying._"

Elena was buoyant, and nothing was going to drag her down. She flashed Reno a knowing smile.

"I think someone has a little something against women drivers."

"I think it's more like someone has a little something against women drivers who balance their take-away Frappuccinos on the main Missile Launch lever."

"Well…at least Tseng says I'm doing well," Elena mumbled, coyly.

Reno smirked. "He would. Rude? Assessment?"

Rude issued a low grunt of disapproval as he stiffly clambered out of the rear passenger seat.

There was a clatter behind him. Something had fallen out of the overhead compartment. It tumbled out of the chopper and landed, splayed on the ground amidst a few stray papers and a crumpled world map.

It was human in form – female, in fact – with a mop of short, chocolatey brown hair, and a distinctly ninja-esque outfit, not unlike someone else's they'd seen that day. She blinked sleepily up at the three Turks, as if awakening from a deep coma.

"Surpriiiise, Turkeys!" she slurred. "I told you I'd be seein' ya!"

**

* * *

**

Seems the Turks have themselves a cling-on! Yuffie is certainly keen. How are they going to react? What will Tseng have to say? And what the heck is going on with Cait Sith? Things will aaaaaall make sense next chapter, when I untangle myself from the crazy knot of plot twists I've worked myself into! We've barely started, trust me.

**As for questions about the Reffie pairing – I know this story probably pops up under "Reno" and "Yuffie", but – I honestly hadn't planned to go anywhere with that! XD I hope that doesn't put anyone off? However, that's not to say there won't be any **_**implied **_**pairings, wink wink.**

**Cheers for reading! I like reviews, they spur me onwards :D**


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